Faith

My husband and I watched The Other Woman a few nights ago. (I will be talking about events in the story, so if you want to see it and don't want spoilers, don't read on.) We realized from the previews we had seen that it was not only a story about infidelity, but also of loss. In the story, the main character, played by Natalie Portman, ends up having an affair and marrying this man. They go on to have a daughter together, and three days later, the baby dies. She does not handle the loss well, and she becomes very angry with everyone around her. It is very obvious that she does not have any type of religious beliefs, and it got me wondering. How does one handle the loss of a loved one when they don't have their faith to fall back on.

My husband and I had a son named Emerson who was stillborn. What got us through the pain of our loss, was knowing that he was up in Heaven, and that God had a plan for him. We relied heavily on our faith to get us through our grief. It has been ten years, but we still talk about him with our girls regularly. We still celebrate what would have been his birthday. And we all know that when our time here is over, and we go to Heaven, we will finally get to meet him. Yes, we all had questions about why it happened to us, but there was never anger or resentment. I think our marriage even grew stronger after going through that together.

I just cannot understand what our journey through the loss of our son would have been like if we didn't have our faith in God to carry us. I had never taken the time to think about what it would have been like if we didn't believe in God or in Heaven. I don't know if I could process it without feeling angry at the whole world. I doubt our marriage would have survived if we both had that pain and anger and grief surrounding us with no answers as to why it happened of what would have happened to Emerson. Watching that movie really opened my eyes to just how awful our experience could have been. I am thankful that we both shared that faith and were able to lean on it to get to where we are today.

They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Ha

They say that insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results. I guess that would mean that most of us are insane. With kids, it sometimes feels like I might just go a little crazy, especially when school is out and we are together non stop for days on end. We are having a fun summer though. It definitely was full of uncertainty for most of it, with the whole California situation. Ultimately though, Jason finally decided that he was not ready to move across the country. Of course, I had my doubts too. Especially when we would visit my newly widowed grandpa, and he would beg me not to take the girls away from him, and tell me how my grandma didn't want us to move. I can't believe how hard and sad it was to hear my grandpa like that, and to know how much it would upset him if we did move.

When Jason told me that he no longer wanted to move, I was good with that decision. All our family and friends are her. We know the area well, and our town was just voted the number one town in the country to raise a family by Family Circle Magazine. Obviously, it is a great place for kids. But, now that the reality has set in that we will be staying, I find that there are so many things I feel like I am missing out on by staying here. I know that I might feel the same way if we moved, and see all that we really were giving up.

I think a lot of my restlessness comes from the fact that nothing is changing. I need a good change once in awhile, and I have felt the need for something big for awhile now. I love that I can stay home with my kids, but I also feel like I want a piece of my life back for myself. I am almost there. All the girls will be in school this year, so I will have a couple hours to myself each morning, but as any mom knows, a couple hours is barely enough to get caught up on household chores. I am ready to go out and do something for me. I don't know yet if it will be going back to school myself to brush up on my photography skills, or finding a fun job with mom hours, so I can be home when the girls are. But, this will have to wait for another year until Jenavieve is in school all day.

I feel like our family has been in a rut. Every year is the same, with Girl Scouts and swim lessons and school and homework and all the other activities we fit into our schedules. It would be nice to have at least a change in scenery and weather. I think a move would have been great for our family, but I also realize that we are very fortunate to be where we are. So, for now, I will enjoy where we are, and our last couple weeks of summer. I know another school year will be here and gone in a flash, and I will have the chance to do something for me soon enough.