Nine Years Ago

Nine years ago today, our lives changed forever. I woke up and just knew something was wrong. I was having strange pains, but I kept dismissing them. I told Jason to go to work. Less than an hour later, he was on his way to meet me at the hospital. I remember the car ride clearly. My mom came to pick Jazmyn and me up. The whole way over, I could just feel pain and pressure. I sat there and waited in the Labor & Delivery wing, waiting for them to call my name. They finally did, and took me for an ultrasound. We knew right away that our son was no longer his active little self in there. The silence was deafening. How I longed to hear the strong heartbeat I had grown so used to hearing at my doctor's appointments. My body was already in labor, and I hadn't really realized it. The pressure that I had felt was my body trying to deliver our son. I don't know how my water didn't break on the way there.

After the ultrasound, my doctor gave us her condolences and then went right to work breaking my water. I could feel the contractions now. So much more painful than any of the contractions I had with all of my girls. The pain medicine couldn't work fast enough. It was time to push, and see our little boy. The doctor forced my mom to leave the room. It took only a minute for him to arrive. At 1:10pm we got to finally see our son. He was so tiny. 51 grams, 1.8oz and 16 cm long. The doctor and nurses could not even tell if it was a boy or girl, but I knew. The doctor let me see him for a few minutes. We had him baptized, and then I was rushed off to surgery for a DNC. I got to spend a little more time with him when I got back to my room. They had put me in a back corner, away from the delivery rooms and the mom-baby rooms. The nurses were all wonderful and very helpful. One helped us plan our son's memorial service, while another brought us some flowers.

My doctor on the other hand, was not very supportive. He was not the one that delivered our son. He had a terrible bedside manner. When I asked him if he would be able to tell our baby's gender with the autopsy, he said no and quickly rushed off to his next patient. I was sent home shortly after our talk. Now, I had to explain to everyone what had happened. We invited our close family to the memorial service for him, and it was a beautiful way to say good bye.

I have been amazed to find out how many people have been affected by still birth since this happened. I always knew my grandma had lost one of her son's during his delivery, but she told me the whole story. How they whisked him away without her even getting to look at him. How she still wondered what he looked like. How she wanted so badly to have the chance to hold him. My cousin also lost her baby just a few years ago. Just a couple days after Christmas when she was 9 months along. There are so many parents out there with aching hearts from the babies that they lost too soon.

We finally did get the autopsy results, and the proof that our baby was in fact a boy, but we already knew that in our hearts. We are proud to have been chosen to be the parents of our little man, Emerson Allen.

We will always love you Emerson. We miss you everyday.

"Footprints"

How very softly 

You tiptoed into our world

Almost silently,

Only a moment you stayed

But what an imprint 

You footprints have left

Upon our hearts

Emerson Allen

July 10th, 2001