My husband and I watched The Other Woman a few nights ago. (I will be talking about events in the story, so if you want to see it and don't want spoilers, don't read on.) We realized from the previews we had seen that it was not only a story about infidelity, but also of loss. In the story, the main character, played by Natalie Portman, ends up having an affair and marrying this man. They go on to have a daughter together, and three days later, the baby dies. She does not handle the loss well, and she becomes very angry with everyone around her. It is very obvious that she does not have any type of religious beliefs, and it got me wondering. How does one handle the loss of a loved one when they don't have their faith to fall back on.
My husband and I had a son named Emerson who was stillborn. What got us through the pain of our loss, was knowing that he was up in Heaven, and that God had a plan for him. We relied heavily on our faith to get us through our grief. It has been ten years, but we still talk about him with our girls regularly. We still celebrate what would have been his birthday. And we all know that when our time here is over, and we go to Heaven, we will finally get to meet him. Yes, we all had questions about why it happened to us, but there was never anger or resentment. I think our marriage even grew stronger after going through that together.
I just cannot understand what our journey through the loss of our son would have been like if we didn't have our faith in God to carry us. I had never taken the time to think about what it would have been like if we didn't believe in God or in Heaven. I don't know if I could process it without feeling angry at the whole world. I doubt our marriage would have survived if we both had that pain and anger and grief surrounding us with no answers as to why it happened of what would have happened to Emerson. Watching that movie really opened my eyes to just how awful our experience could have been. I am thankful that we both shared that faith and were able to lean on it to get to where we are today.
.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha Ha
They say that insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results. I guess that would mean that most of us are insane. With kids, it sometimes feels like I might just go a little crazy, especially when school is out and we are together non stop for days on end. We are having a fun summer though. It definitely was full of uncertainty for most of it, with the whole California situation. Ultimately though, Jason finally decided that he was not ready to move across the country. Of course, I had my doubts too. Especially when we would visit my newly widowed grandpa, and he would beg me not to take the girls away from him, and tell me how my grandma didn't want us to move. I can't believe how hard and sad it was to hear my grandpa like that, and to know how much it would upset him if we did move.
When Jason told me that he no longer wanted to move, I was good with that decision. All our family and friends are her. We know the area well, and our town was just voted the number one town in the country to raise a family by Family Circle Magazine. Obviously, it is a great place for kids. But, now that the reality has set in that we will be staying, I find that there are so many things I feel like I am missing out on by staying here. I know that I might feel the same way if we moved, and see all that we really were giving up.
I think a lot of my restlessness comes from the fact that nothing is changing. I need a good change once in awhile, and I have felt the need for something big for awhile now. I love that I can stay home with my kids, but I also feel like I want a piece of my life back for myself. I am almost there. All the girls will be in school this year, so I will have a couple hours to myself each morning, but as any mom knows, a couple hours is barely enough to get caught up on household chores. I am ready to go out and do something for me. I don't know yet if it will be going back to school myself to brush up on my photography skills, or finding a fun job with mom hours, so I can be home when the girls are. But, this will have to wait for another year until Jenavieve is in school all day.
I feel like our family has been in a rut. Every year is the same, with Girl Scouts and swim lessons and school and homework and all the other activities we fit into our schedules. It would be nice to have at least a change in scenery and weather. I think a move would have been great for our family, but I also realize that we are very fortunate to be where we are. So, for now, I will enjoy where we are, and our last couple weeks of summer. I know another school year will be here and gone in a flash, and I will have the chance to do something for me soon enough.
When Jason told me that he no longer wanted to move, I was good with that decision. All our family and friends are her. We know the area well, and our town was just voted the number one town in the country to raise a family by Family Circle Magazine. Obviously, it is a great place for kids. But, now that the reality has set in that we will be staying, I find that there are so many things I feel like I am missing out on by staying here. I know that I might feel the same way if we moved, and see all that we really were giving up.
I think a lot of my restlessness comes from the fact that nothing is changing. I need a good change once in awhile, and I have felt the need for something big for awhile now. I love that I can stay home with my kids, but I also feel like I want a piece of my life back for myself. I am almost there. All the girls will be in school this year, so I will have a couple hours to myself each morning, but as any mom knows, a couple hours is barely enough to get caught up on household chores. I am ready to go out and do something for me. I don't know yet if it will be going back to school myself to brush up on my photography skills, or finding a fun job with mom hours, so I can be home when the girls are. But, this will have to wait for another year until Jenavieve is in school all day.
I feel like our family has been in a rut. Every year is the same, with Girl Scouts and swim lessons and school and homework and all the other activities we fit into our schedules. It would be nice to have at least a change in scenery and weather. I think a move would have been great for our family, but I also realize that we are very fortunate to be where we are. So, for now, I will enjoy where we are, and our last couple weeks of summer. I know another school year will be here and gone in a flash, and I will have the chance to do something for me soon enough.
Friday, July 15, 2011
10 Years
This past weekend marked the ten year anniversary of our son, Emerson, being still born. There really are no words to describe what that day was like. Even though our lives have moved on, and our family has grown by three more kids, we still think about him and miss him everyday. I love that all our girls know his story and like to ask questions about him. I think it freaks people out sometimes when Jenavieve (5) talks about her baby brother in Heaven. I have to admit though, we don't think twice about it when we hear any of our girls talk about him. It is such a common topic around our house, and it warms my heart to hear the love that my girls have for their brother.
For my 30th birthday last year, I wanted to get my first tattoo to honor each of my children. I decided to get their footprints, but after talking with the tattoo artist, he felt Emerson's footprint would not turn out well. So after almost a full year of planning, I finally got my first tattoo two days before my 31st birthday. I ended up getting an E with a halo on top on my left wrist to honor Emerson. The girl's footprints are yet to come.
I am just excited to know that one day I will finally get to be reunited with Emerson, and hold him in my arms.
For my 30th birthday last year, I wanted to get my first tattoo to honor each of my children. I decided to get their footprints, but after talking with the tattoo artist, he felt Emerson's footprint would not turn out well. So after almost a full year of planning, I finally got my first tattoo two days before my 31st birthday. I ended up getting an E with a halo on top on my left wrist to honor Emerson. The girl's footprints are yet to come.
I am just excited to know that one day I will finally get to be reunited with Emerson, and hold him in my arms.
Emerson Allen
7-10-01
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Another Year
Last year I decided to make a list of things I wanted to accomplish before my next birthday, which happens to be tomorrow. I keep this list in my room, and look at it every day. I have completed about half of the items on the list, which is great. I stepped out of my comfort zone and got to try new things. But, a lot of the items on my list, I really don't care if I ever do. I saw the idea on another blog, and decided to try it myself. I did this about a month after I turned 30, so with one month down, I thought I should make the list as quickly as possible, and in doing so, I didn't take the time to figure out what I really want to do. This year, instead of having another list, I made a vision board. I can see pictures and phrases of spiritual, physical and emotional traits I want to work on, places I want to visit, experiences I want to try. The great part about the vision board is that I can add to it and take away from it whenever I want. If I realize something on there is no longer important to me, I can remove it. The girls even got in on the action and each made one of their own for what they want to do and accomplish this summer.
It is important to have goals and ambitions, and sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day routines, that I lose sight of mine. It is one thing to have a list of words there to remind you, but to be able to see the visuals to go along with the words makes it that much more powerful.
Hopefully this next year will be one of excitement, joy, adventure and laughter. I was just reading another blogger talking about when she turned 31 she claimed it as the year of 30-fun. I think I might borrow that term and declare this my year of 30-FUN! So here is to a new year that I plan to make the most of.
It is important to have goals and ambitions, and sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day routines, that I lose sight of mine. It is one thing to have a list of words there to remind you, but to be able to see the visuals to go along with the words makes it that much more powerful.
Hopefully this next year will be one of excitement, joy, adventure and laughter. I was just reading another blogger talking about when she turned 31 she claimed it as the year of 30-fun. I think I might borrow that term and declare this my year of 30-FUN! So here is to a new year that I plan to make the most of.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Go West Young Mom?
It has been a long time since I have had the chance to write here. A lot has happened for us in the last five months, and yet, life seems to keep moving at our familiar speed. The kids are out of school now, and softball is in full swing. This means we practically live at the field, but I love it! We are still going about our standard daily routine.
My husband is still looking for work in California. We even went on a week long trip to check things out back in March. We found a great suburb about a half hour outside of LA that is perfect for our family. I still would love to live out there, but after having all those strong urges to need to be in California, I still haven't figured out why. In fact, I haven't felt that pull since we have been back. But we have been thinking and praying about our decision to move west a lot. It was actually a friend of mine that reminded me that we cannot lose in this situation. If my husband finds a position out there, fantastic! I think living somewhere else for awhile would be an exciting and beneficial step for our family. On the other hand, if my husband can't find a job out there, we get to stay here with our friends and family. Either way would be a win for us. So for now, we continue to play the waiting game, and trust that God has a plan in place for us, even if we don't know what it is yet.
My husband is still looking for work in California. We even went on a week long trip to check things out back in March. We found a great suburb about a half hour outside of LA that is perfect for our family. I still would love to live out there, but after having all those strong urges to need to be in California, I still haven't figured out why. In fact, I haven't felt that pull since we have been back. But we have been thinking and praying about our decision to move west a lot. It was actually a friend of mine that reminded me that we cannot lose in this situation. If my husband finds a position out there, fantastic! I think living somewhere else for awhile would be an exciting and beneficial step for our family. On the other hand, if my husband can't find a job out there, we get to stay here with our friends and family. Either way would be a win for us. So for now, we continue to play the waiting game, and trust that God has a plan in place for us, even if we don't know what it is yet.
At Santa Monica Beach 3/28/11
Friday, January 28, 2011
Change
2011 is going to be a year of big change for our family. We have decided that we are going to move to California for a couple years. For some reason, I have been feeling a very strong pull to be in Cali for the past several months. I don't know what exactly is behind this strong desire to be there, but it is only getting stronger.
We were pretty sure we would be moving this summer, but we figured it would just be in another neighborhood in our town. But, as Jason and I talked more about California, we thought why not? We had been tossing the idea of moving west around for awhile before my grandma got sick. Then, my plans changed completely. I thought there was no way I could move away from all our family, especially when we thought my grandma would have a long road ahead of her. I talked with my mom about what life was like for my grandma when she was younger, and also after she had kids. My grandma raised six kids, and she never received her driver's license. On top of that, she had problems with her legs, that caused her to have to stay home from many events. She did get to travel quite a bit before she got married, but after marriage and kids, she only traveled a few times.
I think it was after these stories really sunk in that I realized that I did want to get out of our town and live somewhere else for awhile. I love the town we live in now, but I was born and raised here. I am ready for a change of scenery, and definitely weather. So, after everything that happened with my grandma, and much prayer, we have decided to really go for it. Jason has been applying for positions in and around LA. And hopefully, he will be able to find something in a field that is a little more creative than accounting.
Our plan is to try it for two years, and then see if we want to stay, or if we are ready to move back to our current town. We will visit during Christmas break, and also over the summer, so we will still get to see our family. It is a very exciting and terrifying time for us, and we are still not sure what will be in store for us. But we are ready for whatever God has in store for us.
We were pretty sure we would be moving this summer, but we figured it would just be in another neighborhood in our town. But, as Jason and I talked more about California, we thought why not? We had been tossing the idea of moving west around for awhile before my grandma got sick. Then, my plans changed completely. I thought there was no way I could move away from all our family, especially when we thought my grandma would have a long road ahead of her. I talked with my mom about what life was like for my grandma when she was younger, and also after she had kids. My grandma raised six kids, and she never received her driver's license. On top of that, she had problems with her legs, that caused her to have to stay home from many events. She did get to travel quite a bit before she got married, but after marriage and kids, she only traveled a few times.
I think it was after these stories really sunk in that I realized that I did want to get out of our town and live somewhere else for awhile. I love the town we live in now, but I was born and raised here. I am ready for a change of scenery, and definitely weather. So, after everything that happened with my grandma, and much prayer, we have decided to really go for it. Jason has been applying for positions in and around LA. And hopefully, he will be able to find something in a field that is a little more creative than accounting.
Our plan is to try it for two years, and then see if we want to stay, or if we are ready to move back to our current town. We will visit during Christmas break, and also over the summer, so we will still get to see our family. It is a very exciting and terrifying time for us, and we are still not sure what will be in store for us. But we are ready for whatever God has in store for us.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Arlene
I can't believe it has been more than a month since I have blogged here. It was quite the month though.
My last post talked about how my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her liver. I may repeat some information here, but I want to get this all out in one post.
On December 16th, my grandma went to the doctor because she had been sick since the end of October. She was told it was just a virus, and it would eventually get better.
On Friday, December 17th, she called her doctor again because she was in pain. They pretty much told her to just deal with it, but if it got too bad, to go to the ER. So, off to the ER she went. After some type of body scan, they found the large mass in her colon, and the spots on her liver.
She spent the weekend in the hospital so she would be ready to have the tumor removed on Monday, December 20th. She was on a liquid diet until Sunday, when the only thing she could have was the gallon on stuff they give you to "clean you out"
I took Jazmyn to see her Monday morning, before her surgery, and she was in great spirits. She new what she was dealt, and she was ready to take on the surgery, recovery, and upcoming chemo. She told me she hoped she had a few more years left in her, but that she knew it was all in God's hands.
Monday afternoon, she went through the surgery pretty successfully. Her surgeon removed the entire tumor from in and around her colon, and he got to it just in time. It was showing signs that it had started to perforate.
She was on the ventilator until Tuesday morning, which was longer than the doctor's wanted. She seemed to be in great spirits on Tuesday, and she was able to sit up and dangle her feet over the edge of the bed. Wednesday, she was doing pretty well too. But, despite how the family thought she was doing, the doctors had still not let her eat or drink anything. She wasn't even allowed ice chips. So, she hadn't had anything to drink since Sunday, and she was not happy about that.
On Wednesday, her primary care doctor came to see her in the ICU while she was by herself, and he started to ask her about a DNR form. Nobody knows what he had said to her, but after that point, she was like a completely different person. She was depressed, and she thought the doctor was telling her that he got to choose if she lived or died. Everyone was very upset that he tried to have a conversation like that with no other family, or medical staff around. Her ICU nurse was livid when she found out what happened.
It was Wednesday night when things started to slip a little. We aren't sure if it was her broken will, or a complication from the surgery, or some combination of the two, but she was getting worse.
Thursday morning, she was not as coherent as she had been. That continued through the day, and the doctors were now worried about her getting pneumonia, so they were still refusing to give her anything by mouth. Her kidneys were not working at full capacity either, and she was starting to retain fluid. The worst part was, her pain medication was set up with a pump that only she could push. She was pretty weak at this point, and she wasn't able to give herself the medication she needed.
On Friday, December 24th, I finally made it in to visit her at about 9:15am. I walked in, and she was sitting up and looking around, but her stare was blank. She was trying to say ouch, but there was so much congestion in her throat, that it was just coming out in a raspy noise. My uncle had spent the night there, and he requested that an automatic drip of pain medication be put in instead of her pump. At this point, my aunt stopped in too. We were told because of the congestion, they were going to do a chest x-ray.
The three of us stepped out so they could do the x-ray, and we were out in the hallway about 30 seconds when the critical care doctor came out and told us her oxygen leave went from 90 to 40, and that they needed to put her back on the ventilator. The three of us were shocked and said to go ahead. We were moved to the waiting room, and a few minutes later we were surrounded by doctors, nurses, and the chaplain. They said her heart stopped and they were doing CPR to try to revive her. They were trying to get us to sign a DNR right at that moment. The three of us weren't comfortable doing that, because my grandpa hadn't been up to see her since the surgery, and we wanted him to be able to say good bye.
We called all the family, and everyone showed up to discuss our options. Here the doctors that came in while everything was happening made it sound like she would code again very soon. Once she was hooked up to everything though, she was somewhat stable. But, she was hooked up to about 12 IVs, a central line, and the ventilator. Her blood pressure was too low to give her pain medication, or much sedation, and her kidney function was decreasing. She was gaining about 15 pounds of fluid everyday.
On Sunday, the renal doctor came in and said we should strongly consider removing the ventilator. All the family was called in again to discuss removing her from life support. Then, her surgeon came in and told us that it was premature to make this decision, and the critical care doctor came in and said we should try to wean her off of the ventilator and blood pressure meds, and see how she does. So what do you do, when the doctors are telling you completely opposite things? Of course, the family decided to wait, since we were given some hope.
On Monday morning, my sister and I showed up to relieve my aunt, so she could head back home to Wisconsin. Right before she was leaving, the critical care doctor for the day came in and said that there really is no hope of her being able to survive without the ventilator for very long, and even if she did, she still had to deal with the diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. We called the family again, and told them it is probably time to take her off the ventilator. One of my uncles had a really hard time with that idea. He thought that if we were the ones to make the decision to remove her from life support, it would be us taking her life. I tried to explain that her life was still in God's hands. That if we wouldn't have allowed the intubation on Friday, that God would have already taken her.
It took most of the day to get everyone back to the hospital, and then all the siblings wanted to meet with my grandpa to make sure everyone felt the same way. We all took turns saying our good byes. At 6:50 that night, her nurse started to give her the meds to relax her and keep her anxiety down. Then she turned off her other medications, and finally removed the ventilator. The whole family was surrounding her, and we read to her and talked to her and then we just watched her while she was taking her last breaths. She opened her eyes for a couple minutes, and my grandpa got to look in her eyes one last time. At 8:12pm, she passed away. Only ten days after being diagnosed with cancer.
My last post talked about how my grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to her liver. I may repeat some information here, but I want to get this all out in one post.
On December 16th, my grandma went to the doctor because she had been sick since the end of October. She was told it was just a virus, and it would eventually get better.
On Friday, December 17th, she called her doctor again because she was in pain. They pretty much told her to just deal with it, but if it got too bad, to go to the ER. So, off to the ER she went. After some type of body scan, they found the large mass in her colon, and the spots on her liver.
She spent the weekend in the hospital so she would be ready to have the tumor removed on Monday, December 20th. She was on a liquid diet until Sunday, when the only thing she could have was the gallon on stuff they give you to "clean you out"
I took Jazmyn to see her Monday morning, before her surgery, and she was in great spirits. She new what she was dealt, and she was ready to take on the surgery, recovery, and upcoming chemo. She told me she hoped she had a few more years left in her, but that she knew it was all in God's hands.
Monday afternoon, she went through the surgery pretty successfully. Her surgeon removed the entire tumor from in and around her colon, and he got to it just in time. It was showing signs that it had started to perforate.
She was on the ventilator until Tuesday morning, which was longer than the doctor's wanted. She seemed to be in great spirits on Tuesday, and she was able to sit up and dangle her feet over the edge of the bed. Wednesday, she was doing pretty well too. But, despite how the family thought she was doing, the doctors had still not let her eat or drink anything. She wasn't even allowed ice chips. So, she hadn't had anything to drink since Sunday, and she was not happy about that.
On Wednesday, her primary care doctor came to see her in the ICU while she was by herself, and he started to ask her about a DNR form. Nobody knows what he had said to her, but after that point, she was like a completely different person. She was depressed, and she thought the doctor was telling her that he got to choose if she lived or died. Everyone was very upset that he tried to have a conversation like that with no other family, or medical staff around. Her ICU nurse was livid when she found out what happened.
It was Wednesday night when things started to slip a little. We aren't sure if it was her broken will, or a complication from the surgery, or some combination of the two, but she was getting worse.
Thursday morning, she was not as coherent as she had been. That continued through the day, and the doctors were now worried about her getting pneumonia, so they were still refusing to give her anything by mouth. Her kidneys were not working at full capacity either, and she was starting to retain fluid. The worst part was, her pain medication was set up with a pump that only she could push. She was pretty weak at this point, and she wasn't able to give herself the medication she needed.
On Friday, December 24th, I finally made it in to visit her at about 9:15am. I walked in, and she was sitting up and looking around, but her stare was blank. She was trying to say ouch, but there was so much congestion in her throat, that it was just coming out in a raspy noise. My uncle had spent the night there, and he requested that an automatic drip of pain medication be put in instead of her pump. At this point, my aunt stopped in too. We were told because of the congestion, they were going to do a chest x-ray.
The three of us stepped out so they could do the x-ray, and we were out in the hallway about 30 seconds when the critical care doctor came out and told us her oxygen leave went from 90 to 40, and that they needed to put her back on the ventilator. The three of us were shocked and said to go ahead. We were moved to the waiting room, and a few minutes later we were surrounded by doctors, nurses, and the chaplain. They said her heart stopped and they were doing CPR to try to revive her. They were trying to get us to sign a DNR right at that moment. The three of us weren't comfortable doing that, because my grandpa hadn't been up to see her since the surgery, and we wanted him to be able to say good bye.
We called all the family, and everyone showed up to discuss our options. Here the doctors that came in while everything was happening made it sound like she would code again very soon. Once she was hooked up to everything though, she was somewhat stable. But, she was hooked up to about 12 IVs, a central line, and the ventilator. Her blood pressure was too low to give her pain medication, or much sedation, and her kidney function was decreasing. She was gaining about 15 pounds of fluid everyday.
On Sunday, the renal doctor came in and said we should strongly consider removing the ventilator. All the family was called in again to discuss removing her from life support. Then, her surgeon came in and told us that it was premature to make this decision, and the critical care doctor came in and said we should try to wean her off of the ventilator and blood pressure meds, and see how she does. So what do you do, when the doctors are telling you completely opposite things? Of course, the family decided to wait, since we were given some hope.
On Monday morning, my sister and I showed up to relieve my aunt, so she could head back home to Wisconsin. Right before she was leaving, the critical care doctor for the day came in and said that there really is no hope of her being able to survive without the ventilator for very long, and even if she did, she still had to deal with the diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. We called the family again, and told them it is probably time to take her off the ventilator. One of my uncles had a really hard time with that idea. He thought that if we were the ones to make the decision to remove her from life support, it would be us taking her life. I tried to explain that her life was still in God's hands. That if we wouldn't have allowed the intubation on Friday, that God would have already taken her.
It took most of the day to get everyone back to the hospital, and then all the siblings wanted to meet with my grandpa to make sure everyone felt the same way. We all took turns saying our good byes. At 6:50 that night, her nurse started to give her the meds to relax her and keep her anxiety down. Then she turned off her other medications, and finally removed the ventilator. The whole family was surrounding her, and we read to her and talked to her and then we just watched her while she was taking her last breaths. She opened her eyes for a couple minutes, and my grandpa got to look in her eyes one last time. At 8:12pm, she passed away. Only ten days after being diagnosed with cancer.
We miss her everyday.
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